Banned from zoo.
Again?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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