I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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