i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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