My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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