My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
