You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
