it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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