I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
