i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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