i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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