I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
