I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
