after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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