I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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