I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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