It's a beautiful day for a hangover
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
