my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
