T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
