I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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