Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I want to fling myself into the sun
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
