god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
