and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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