this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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