just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
