the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
