I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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