My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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