so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
