Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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