There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
