paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
