i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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