You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
