apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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