Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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