Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
