I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
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My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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