just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
