I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
