I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
