If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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