Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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