Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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