so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
