Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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