When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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