she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
