I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
