last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
