i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
