It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
