sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
