I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
