what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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