Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This is classic penis vs brain.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
