this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
