Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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