They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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