Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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