I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
